Month: August 2010

For some reason, I have been thinking about this particular topic tonight, so I figured I might as well share with everyone else. Why should I be the only one troubled by this?

I am not as skinny as I was in high school. Thanks to the birth of my adorable kid, I now have hips and a butt. The song lyric “I like big butts and I cannot lie” goes through my head when I think about this. I do NOT like big butts, and am working on making it the incredible shrinking bum. I have been known to look in the mirror, then look at my skinny kid and say “I want my body back!” He just laughs and walks away.

So I joined the ranks of the horizontally challenged, at least in the hip/bum area. There has never been very much in the bust region, and if there was a way to transfer some from the bum to the bust, I would do it. In a heartbeat. Apparently, the Good Lord decided I would have the brains and big butt, while my sister got the big bust. So not fair.

Anyway, my main complaint in this posting is department stores. Places like JcPenney’s, Wal-Mart, Kohl’s, Target, etc., seem to believe that if you have a big butt, you also have a big chest. They further believe that if you have a big chest, you want your shirts to be so low cut so you can show your bust off in order to divert attention from the hips/butt region. Don’t believe me? Go to one of these places and look at the plus size department. Most, if not all, shirts are cut low.

Call me a prude. Call me Pollyanna. Call me whatever you want, but I would NOT be caught dead in a shirt like that. I am just not that well-endowed, so there isn’t enough to even hold up a shirt that stops in the middle of my chest. It would just hang there, drooping so low that you could probably see my belly button!

Who decided that plus-size women want to wear these things? I mean, seriously. You know it is probably some men sitting at headquarters deciding these things.

“You know, Fred, we need to order some shirts for our plus size department.”

“Again? Ok, what should we get this time?”

“Well, you know, I think we should get some shirts that come down to the middle of the chest. I’ve seen your secretary and she looks really good in shirts like that.”

“But George, she is 22 and wears a size 2.”

“It doesn’t matter. If it looks good on her, it will look good on a woman who is a size 20. And did you see that jean skirt Sara was wearing the other day? We should order some of those, too.”

“But George, no plus size woman looks that good in a mini-skirt that stops just below her butt.”

“Sure they do, Fred, what woman doesn’t look good in a mini-skirt?”

I am here to tell you that no plus size woman looks good in a mini-skirt that stops below her butt. Do YOU want to be standing behind her when she bends over? I didn’t think so.

Most of those plus size women are trying to lose weight, so we like simple things. Like whole t-shirts and shorts that stop just above the knees, mainly to avoid the gasps of those behind us when we bend over. Frankly, shirts cut that low and skirts that leave nothing to the imagination would not encourage me to lose weight. They would send me screaming in horror to my bedroom, where I would lock the door and never come out!

So, to all you guys in corporate who are looking at the toothpick-thin secretary while ordering clothes for those beautiful plus-size gals: one size does NOT fit all, nor does it look good on everyone! Order some decent looking clothes for those of us who have too much downstairs and not enough upstairs. I do not think my kid wants to see my belly button.

Now that the introductions are out of the way, what should our first topic be? That’s a tough one. It is Friday, the end of a long, busy week, so why not have a hodgepodge of stuff?

Let’s start with libraries, mainly because I love to read. My favorite thing to do is grab a good book and spend the day getting lost in the plot. When I go to our local library, I love seeing parents bring their kids into the children’s section. But all across the country, city councils are making the choice to either cut back the library budgets and hours, or just flat out close them altogether. We cannot let that happen! Support your local library, and let your city council know how important your library is to you!

LeBron, LeBron, LeBron. You are a great basketball player, but your public relation skills stink. What did you think was going to happen when you went on national TV and destroyed the hopes and dreams of an entire city – a parade? Now you are saying you are making a “mental list” of all those critics who have trashed you. Dude, let it go. Move on. New city, new team, fresh start. If you cannot do this, then remember one thing: karma is a *beep*. (I just read this to the kid and he thought I actually used a bad word. He seemed disappointed when I didn’t. My mother is going to read this eventually – I do NOT want to get in trouble with her!)

The heat wave sweeping across much of the country. What can I say about that? It’s hot! ‘Nuff said.

I am a bit concerned about the number of remakes sweeping through Hollywood. Do we REALLY need to remake “The Wizard of Oz” or “My Fair Lady”? (I read a comment from Emma Thompson the other day, and I do hope it is wrong, but she actually said that Audrey Hepburn wasn’t much of an actress, but that she was sure she was a lovely person.) I took a poll – okay, I really just asked the kid because he is sitting right here – what he thought of all these remakes, and he said it was wrong, wrong, WRONG! “They will put too much newer technology stuff into it, too much CGI into the movies that it will take away from the beauty of how the original was made.” Wow, and he’s only 15 (okay, he’ll be 16 in a week, God help me!). Darn shame that there is not an original idea left in Hollywood. If, on the outside chance that someone from Hollywood reads this, which I doubt, please keep in mind one thing: keep it simple, stupid! Every movie does NOT, repeat NOT, need CGI!

Back to sports: I was very distressed to learn that my beloved Chipper Jones, third baseman for the Atlanta Braves, would miss the rest of the season with a torn ACL. I was further distressed to read that it could be the end of his career. He is one of those rare players who has stuck with the same team his entire career (Derek Jeter of the Yankees is the only other one who comes to mind right now). While he made a spectacular play on Tuesday night in Houston, it is depressing to think that it is going to be the end of a wonderful career. There is no doubt that he is Hall of Fame material. Chipper, if this is truly the end, thanks for the memories. There will never be another like you.

I did promise you stories about my accident prone family, so I will start with myself. It takes a lot of talent to have the kind of freak accidents I have. In fact, it is a gift. Hey, if you had done some of the things I have done, you would look for the positive in it too! My latest misadventure actually happened near the end of May, but the aftermath is still being dealt with. I swear all I did was get up off the couch. I have a witness, but my witness is zipping his lips and refusing to answer. Guess he doesn’t want anything for his birthday next week! Anyway, I got up off the couch and heard a loud POP. The witness thought it was my surgically repaired knee that had popped, but it was in fact my shoulder. It did not bother me too much, until a week later, when I popped it again – yes, getting up off the couch again. This time, it hurt like crazy. Just when I was ready to go to the doctor about it, the kid decided to injury his ribs. So I waited until I could not take the pain anymore. The doctor said it was tendonitis. Two months after this diagnosis, and I am STILL in pain. All because I wanted a drink of water!!!!

I do want to give a shout out to two wonderful people who will be celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary on Sunday: my parents. I love you both very much! Thank you for all the love and support you have given me over the years. You are the best!

I do not know how much of this made you laugh, smile or simply groan, but any reaction is better than none! If you walk away from this post with nothing else, then let it be this: “Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Fart, and you stand alone!” Find something to laugh about, or at, today. It is good for your health!

I’ve had people tell me I should write a blog to write down all the funny things that happen to me and my family. The people at our local library call my son and I “the traveling comedy show”, although we might have to amend that to “the accident-prone traveling comedy show”. Trust me, as you get to know us through these blogs, you will understand why. Let’s just say thank God for Blue Cross!

I’ll do my best to post something new every week. I won’t promise every day, because while I might say I will, I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you. It’s kind of like me saying “Oh yes, I’m going to work on my book at least two or three hours a day!” I’m still waiting on THAT to happen!

What are you going to find in my blog? Who knows?! That’s the fun of reading a blog! You never know what is going to turn up! I have a quirky, witty sense of humor, so I’m sure there will be plenty of laughs here. Beyond all that, I’ll just post whatever is on my mind at the time. I wouldn’t expect a lot of political stuff. That is not my thing. I don’t understand politics, and quite frankly, none of the politicians are doing anything to make it more understandable or interesting to me. Yes, I know, rather un-American of me. When was the last time a politician said something that you understood completely? Enough of the politics from me. I know nothing.

So come in, sit down, enjoy some good clean fun. Let the wackiness begin!